There exists here a deep-seated need for validation. It is a symptom of a core wound that I am seeking to fill in every relationship.
This desperation to be validated is paramount and fundamental in my experience. I see it arising everywhere.
“What will they think of me?”
“Why can’t I just fit in?”
“Will they remember to include me?”
It’s always been easier to remain small and go unnoticed because then I can’t be hurt by being ignored and forgotten. I feel less than others, like an invalid human being.
“My existence does not compare to anyone else’s, not even close.” says this belief.
Against all evidence presented to me throughout my life, I still believe this. Somehow I still believe that this is true while love and acceptance surrounds me.
Why can’t I see it? Why can’t I accept this love?
To do so feels selfish. It feels like I’m taking something that doesn’t belong to me. Like I’m accepting an unearned gift. That the love they give is temporary and it’s only a matter of time before my heart will be broken again.
To fully accept it would mean letting all defenses fall. If the guards put down their shields, who’s going to save me from being heartbroken again? Who’s going to protect me from death?
How does this wound heal? I am so sick and tired of feeling it oozing and festering inside me. I’m so exhausted by its remnants and influences on every day life.
It impacts all mental activities and physical actions. Every thought is put through this filter. Every action must be processed through analysis by which I judge my worth and validation. Every interaction is questioned and ruminated on. There is constant energy being put into finding the safest and smallest path through my life to ensure I remain small.
All of this repressed energy and emotional charge has been stuffed down deep into the body. It has been rotting there for decades and when it comes up now, it is very painful. The mind is ready to feel but body still resists.
Does it have to be this way?
The heart wants to open. The mind wants to open. All this energy wants to move and be felt. But God Damn it hurts. It doesn’t know how or why, it’s just crushing pain.
Forcing it doesn’t work but neither does relaxing into it because “relaxing” for me is attention falling back into the habit of identifying with thought. These last threads of identity are thought bound at a fundamental level.
What’s left to see? Please God, show me the way.
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